Did I Shave My Legs For This?

What, you don't like pizza?

I hate having duty. Even more, I hate having watch. I had the 12-17 (that's noon to five) and I'm pretty exhausted, and my feet hurt. I hate wearing my whites - I look like the Good Humor Dude...with a gun. Fun. Then I got to stuff myself with more than half a medium Hawaiian pizza, and all is good in the life of Lisset. At least in Lisset's stomach. *burp*

After I downloaded my weapon, I stepped outside for my after-watch smoke and got pulled into an interesting conversation. A conversation with a Sailor is about one if not two things - alcohol and sex. Now I had a six pack at a barbeque yesterday, but sex hasn't been high on my priority list for about six months now. Immature sex stories (you know what I'm talking about) interest me even less, but I was "forced" into making small comments, "Ooh, Oh, Really?" and a lot of "Eeeww!" while I'm cringing inside, not because of the topic, but because I can remember doing the same things "back in the day" but with different plumbing. I realized that though I may have matured and don't need to get all wild and crazy anymore, I really have become rather boring.

Sad.

Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match

Okay, so I wasn't knocking online dating services. I guess I'm not one to trust people online in that intimate of a capacity. Thanks to Tonya, I know it works for some, but I also know that there are a lot of sick motherfuckers out there, and the internet can be a breeding ground for them. I know I sound so cynical, now don't I? Mind you, I'm not looking for love, in all the right or wrong places, at the moment, so it's a non-issue for me. I'm not exactly in the position to get all romantic. I'm in a foreign country and surrounded by Sailors. There aren't a whole lot of choices for me, so I just wait and bide my time.

I'm sure one of these days, when I'm not looking, love will smack me silly upside the head. Until then, I think I'll stick with BoB and have dirty dreams about George Eads.

Now Playing: Lacuna Coil - Swamped

Huh?

I was thinking about what I would post today and my thoughts ran from starting Season 2 of Lost on DVD, to Season 1 of Medium (which I finished Tuesday night) to my current lack of sex life to relationships to current music I'm enjoying, then I realized the post was going to either be one huge rambling session or one huge run-on sentence.

My head hurts.

Now Playing: Ray Lamontagne - How Come

And I'm not talking about Stove Top

Today was one of those days for doing stuff. Or thinking about doing stuff. I ran around doing this so-called stuff all day while thinking of other stuff to do. And when I was sitting there not doing stuff, I was trying to remember what stuff I was supposed to do.

This stuff sucks.

Now Playing: Silverchair - Israel's Son

I had a thought

If I masturbate myself to death, would it be suicide or a crime of passion?

Just wondering.

Thank God there's no need for condoms in dreams

Because that would take all the romance out of it.

I had one of those sexual dreams about someone I would have never thought of. I woke up from it all discombobulated and well, horny. This is the sad state of my life. The funny thing is, he thinks I'm crazy "in a good way", which is a phrase people quickly add on so you won't try to stalk them and stab them in the neck with a highlighter.

Some days we are better off dead

I just had a random thought about John Cusack. Don't worry it wasn't dirty; I just realized how many movies he has been in. But I always get two of them mixed up, Better Off Dead and that other one with the skiing and the French girl and the paper boy on the bicycle.

It is like channeling my mother from thousands of miles away when I think, "I want my two dollars for that perfectly good white boy."

EDIT: Okay, I'm an idiot. I didn't realize that I am talking about the same movie. Have I ever mentioned that I was born a blond? Yeah, it's not just a hair color, it's a state of mind.

Tiny Little Pieces, the true story

Wow, I didn't realized it had been so long. I'm alright over here. Life is pretty boring, but in a good way. I've rediscovered The Sims in the Second version and have completely lost track of time playing it. I lead an exciting and thrilling life. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. The drama that was May almost sucked the life out of me. But yesterday I found myself making funny sound effects as I downloaded custom objects for the game and talking to myself, so I know all is right with the World of Me. The World of Crazy Me.

You know how they say you only dream right before you wake up? If that's true, why is it that you can't always remember your dreams? Anyway, I digress. I dreamed that I was out shopping with an ex-boyfriend from a long time ago. But it wasn't the fact that the guy that ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it after talking about marriage because he wasn't ready but somehow he was ready enough last year with some other girl but I'm not bitter was in my dream that made it all weird. It was the fact that I kept finding broken things everywhere and I kept trying to fix them. I was trying to fix all these things that didn't belong to me and ignoring my shopping. I mean, how many times do you find a dress in your size that makes you look three sizes smaller than you really are? Come on, even in dreams a woman doesn't look a gift horse like that in the mouth. I've always known that I usually put others before myself, and my dream just reiterated that. But the point is, I've been doing more for myself lately. I've been ignoring those broken pieces I've been finding, even some of my own. And I'm okay with that. I know I'm human and that I can't do everything. Hell, sometimes I don't want to do everything. Sometimes I just want to sit on my ass and play computer games. Is that so wrong?

So see? No need to worry. I'm fine.

The Gaping Maw of Doom

Don't ask me to explain it.

I've had this phrase stuck in my head for the past week and if I didn't do something other than think it, I'll wind up mumbling it over and over later on in life when I'm living in a box underneath an overpass while drinking cheap wine from a brown paper bag.

For real.

This is going to be random...

I was going to start working out again beginning with Sunday morning, but I can't seem to find the energy nor the motivation to wake up and do it. I'm starting to work longer hours so I feel as if I have no time to myself to wind down. At least that's the excuse I'm giving myself.

My date this weekend got canceled; something came up. The truth is, I'm not too upset by it. I was actually relieved. What does that mean? Probably that I haven't gotten over the breakup. Duh. It's hard to shut off feelings. I mean, we were talking about marriage people! To go from that to nothing is well, it's sort of devastating.

Work isn't helping the situation. I find it hilarious and pathetic at the same time that the military will always use itself as an excuse even when in the wrong. If that doesn't make sense, I apologize.

I need to finish my novel. But I'm stuck like chuck. I could always use life to imitate art. I mean, it's a semi-autobiographical comedic misadventure after all.

Okay, it's off to the showers for me so I can go to work. Whee!

Something I should have posted here as well

I made a post in my livejournal, but I should have done it here as well. So I'm posting it now. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I also don't want to censor my feelings when I post here, which I admit to doing. I apologize.

I also want to apologize for not answering any emails. I haven't been able to focus on much the past few days enough to write specifically to one person. I don't have the energy. I hope you understand the cut and paste.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My day started at 4:30am. It's 6:37pm now and I just got home.

I am one tired, sore puppy. Speaking of puppies, our CO's little one (who seems to be our mascot at the moment and brings a wee bit of morale) got a new name yesterday. He's this little furball that likes to bite. But he is going to be big!

Anyway.

I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I'm grumpy. I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest today. Did I mention I woke up at 4:30am? I used an exercise machine yesterday that my back wasn't used to and man am I paying the price. And I'm grumpy because I want J to be here right now. I could use a cuddle. One day. In August. I hope.

Lately there has been all this negativity around me. And my brain seems to be underwater. I can't focus on anything for too long and when people talk, it's like listening to Charlie Brown's teacher. Wah wah wah. I need a vacation. I need some peace and quiet. I need...stability. It's the only way I can explain it. How else can I describe how I've been feeling the past few days? Maybe like I'm the camera in the Blair Witch Project, or a really bad MTV video. All jiggly and chaotic and hard to understand. I can't even sit still here and focus enough to write this. I have to constantly refresh web sites on two different computers and I can't listen to a song on iTunes completely through. My brain seems to be on crack and I'm having a really hard time trying to keep up. I wish there existed a thing that could just plug into my head and record everything that goes on in there, then it would be converted into a journal entry, with editing, of course. That would be so weird. And possibly embarrassing. There are some x-rated thoughts in there, as well as a fetish for 80's music.

It's not the first time I though maybe I have adult ADD. Mind you, it comes and goes. It's pretty proportional to the amount of crap I have on my plate. Maybe I'm just so busy that I can't focus on only one thing at a time. Maybe I'm trying to do much at once, or taking on too much, like an obese person trying to put on a pair of spandex shorts. Yay! Yet another thing I get to add to the myriad mix of crap using my gray matter as a jungle gym.

Oh, in case nobody knew this already - my internet access sucks big old donkey dicks! I know that I should be happy that I have access and all that look at the positive bullshit people like to spout and I'm not in the mood for, but when it affects me being able to email J on his lunch break, then it starts to make me really cranky. FUCK BATELCO AND THEIR INTERNET MONOPOLY!

Let's get physical and dorky too

So I decided it was time to go back into the gym. Just a couple of thoughts:

- I need to eat more than a couple of BBQ Pringles all day.
- Caffeine drinks are not a substitute for water.
- Chain smoking three cigarettes is not a good idea before getting on an elliptical, where breathing is essential.
- After having said cigarettes, having a goal of an hour is not only unhealthy the first time up, but it is pure fantasy.
- I need to bring a rubber band for my hair, or quit whining when it falls into my eyes.
- A towel would be nice to dry the dripping sweat pouring down my neck. Yuck.

Also remembered the dreaded Daylight Savings Thing. They don't recognize it in this part of the world, so I only had to change two clocks - the clock on my desk that keeps up with the Home Time and the secondary time on my watch, also Home Time. I guess that means no matter where I am, I always know what time it is at home. Duh.

Finally got around to making that appointment with the doctor about my heart and thyroid issue. Negative on both. Mil Doc (my normal one was on vacation) said that even though my heart rate was up to 126 (!) he trusts the cardiologist when he says that doctors make me nervous. Funny that, seeing as I've been telling them for years, but have someone who knows the heart and they listen. Obviously I don't know my body well enough. Maybe I need to move to South Dakota and let the men up there tell me what I can and can't do with my body. Sorry. Makes me a little cranky. The thyroid issue I'm a little piqued about. Not that I want something to be wrong with me, but now I have no explanation of why I can't lose weight. So that just means that I'm going to have to nearly kill myself over the next two weeks to lose a bit of weight before the PRT. *sigh*

On the g33ky good news front - I bought a friend's XBox and games/stuff. His roommate bought a 360, and since he has one back home, he really doesn't need this one. So now I have two game consoles - the XBox, and a PS2. Am I a geek or what? I also got yet another package of crafty goodness. I started up with crossstitching again, so I have plenty of things to keep my busy.

Now I need a shower rather badly. Stinky stinky I am. I know I'm going to be hurting in the morning, but I get to do it all again starting a 5am then again at 4pm. You heard me right. Twice a day. It sucks to be on a deadline.

Random observations

A woman should be able to eat anything during her period and not be judged. Anything. Period.

There is such a thing as too much moisturizer. Especially under the boobs.

Men do not look good in white 80's-style wind pants.

Eating fresh fruit while is the bath is doable. Taking a bath with fresh fruit is just plain weird.

How did women survive before pads with wings?

All my exes and a strong craving for meat

Have you ever heard of the phrase "coming out of the woodwork"? Cheese and Rice! I ran into two of my exes here in Bahrain this week, another left a message on my phone, and yet another one emailed me today! And it's only Monday. And just when I was wondering about all the love-related decisions I've made in my life and where they have lead me. Can you say overkill? Thanks, I think I got the hint. But every time I try to figure out exactly what the hint means, my head explodes. Really. You should see the mess I left on my desk. I ain't cleaning that shit up. Nu-uh.

And while we're sort of on the topic of the opposite sex and things that are messy - I'm aching for a side of beef over here. I know that I was all like "oh, I'm going to be celibate and shit" but BoB isn't doing it for me anymore. He gets really cranky when I complain about the snuggling thing. He has no arms to put around me and hold me tight. He can't kiss me on my neck as he lays behind me. He actually had the audacity to threaten me! He goes on and on constantly that I should love him for who he is and not be so discriminatory of his shortcomings. He said he was going to sue me if I didn't quit bringing up what he calls his "handicaps". Something about a possible violation of the Vascularly Independent Body-parts Relieving All Throbbing Orgasms when Required Act of 1996. At least that's what I think he said. It's hard to understand him sometimes because he has no lips. Personally, I don't think he has a case, especially if I remove the batteries. Take that BoB!

*darts*

Anyway. I just got home from work about an hour ago. I haven't eaten since 8 this morning. And it seems my hormones have gone haywire.

Aren't you glad you stopped by?

Pass the Q-tips

I know I haven't really shared anything personal in a while. I'm a little overwhelmed at the mo. There's a lot of stuff going through my brain right now and I am unsure how to process it. My emotions are threatening to overflow, mostly because I don't have an exact direction to head for. Yes, there's something going on in my life but I don't want to say anything lest I jinx it. Or royally fuck it up. And of course, I can't really do anything about it from way over here. I can only wait. Even though I try to be optimistic, I always expect the worst. Like it won't work out, no matter how bad I want it, or I think it's meant to be. It's almost as if I don't think I deserve to be happy. I know it's confusing - try being in my head.

I tried to be upbeat this weekend, but it was a long three days. Today I feel like I just woke up from a NyQuil coma. I'm underwater. I don't want to drown. This might be too much for me to handle

I will share, I promise.

Is it any wonder the abbreviation for Valentine's Day is VD?

Seriously.

I hate Valentine's Day. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I haven't had one since...well...I think I was still married, therefor it was required. Rather like sex on your anniversary.

I hate it because every year I get asked that stupid middle school question - "Who's your Valentine?" and when I tell them I don't have one, I get the TSK TSK of Pity. Folks, I'm not looking for your pity. I think Valentine's Day is one of the most overrated "holidays" ever. But I hate it most because everyone puts so much emphasis on a day named after some guy that got rid of a bunch of rats. Or was it a massacre? Doesn't matter, really. How in the fuck does a day of love get compared to rats? Or a massacre? What, the rats are gone and now everybody's dead, and we can finally have sex in a vat of chocolate, I love you?

Puleeze.

So anyway, Happy Massacred Rat Day Valentine's Day. Suckers.

Somebody give me some chocolate, dammit! It's the only thing I like about today. *grin*

By the way, the test results came in for the monitor - I have a perfectly healthy heart. No, it didn't hurt when they pulled the tape off, but I think I might have a blister or two.

The counter starts again

I've decided to become celibate again. I tried the game again and I don't want to play it anymore. I guess I just had to be sure. Maybe it was a moment of madness. Or maybe it was just hormones. All I know is I've been avoiding that one guy for the past three weeks. And I have to admit two things. One, just sex is not something that I want anymore. And secondly, I'm holding out for more. The next time might not be with The One, whomever that is, but it sure as hell won't be just based on strictly lust. I'm sure my vagina can handle it, but sex gets boring after a while if your heart's not involved.

The counter starts as of today.

Because I just wolfed down my dinner in 2.4 seconds

I suck at comments. Really suck. Like better than that vacuum that can suck up bowling balls suck. So this is what I think. I think someone needs to come up with an Audible Commenter. Where as I read posts, I can speak into some sort of recording device that will transcribe onto the blog and post of choice. And there's no going back either. That's the whole point. My commenting suckiness come from my hesitation at what to type. How to word it. Is my spelling right? Does it fit the occasion? Blah blah blah.

Some examples of comments that were started, then given up on: (some are obvious for what blogs they are)

She looks great, and she's so thrifty!

Aww! I'm sorry about the jackass manager!

Hopefully he will at least father one baby before he puts in that restraining order. (I think this one is the funniest of all, not in context)

I wish I could help, but all I can offer is an ear, or at least my keyboard.

Drugs are GREAT!

Not only do I suck, but my comments do as well! Yay!

By the way, since Tangent seems to be my middle name tonight, does anyone know how to post photos using ecto? Mikey?

33 Years

No, it's not my birthday. That was on the 3rd. It's the 33rd anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I just happen to be a few weeks older. *wink*

I wish I had something really philosophical to say along with this important thing, but my head is blank at the moment. All I can think of is how glad I am that women could have this procedure done in the safety of a doctor's office rather than the in a back alley. And I'm worried that all the anti-abortion freaks out there (YES! I called you FREAKS!) want to reverse this and take away a woman's basic right to choose to do whatever the hell she wants with her body.

I feel it's like this:

There are no anti-weight loss/weight gain groups, there are no anti-tattoo groups, there are no anti-body piercing groups, and there sure as hell aren't any anti-spandex wearing groups out there that garner the same attention. If there are, (and I know I might be repeating myself, but some people just don't get it) they do not keep me from gaining/losing weight, (which I have) getting tattoos, (I have three) getting pierced, (ear, belly button AND tongue at one time) or wearing spandex (we are not going there) so why should abortions be any different? We're going to let that decision be handled by some Sansabelt pants wearing bad rug on his head takes 30 seconds to squirt out the quarter teaspoon of no-swimming jizz because he eats Viagra like tic tacs and goes back to his lazy boy recliner to watch the game with a beer scratching his nuts through his boxers dammit honey where is my dinner I don't care if you're 9 months pregnant you still have to do the laundry while I sleep with my 20 year old secretary on Saturday night then go to church on Sunday before I go down to the basement and look at pictures of naked kids but because I'm a man I know what's best for the little lady assfuck?

*breathe*

I don't think so.

Okay, so it definitely wasn't philosophical, but dammit, it chaps my hide when people think they can tell me what to do and they don't have the title "Sir" in front of their name. (That's in the military for all you Freaks that might have stumbled here in your search for hate. Yes, I hate you. Leave me alone.)

And let me point out that I am not pro-abortion, I am pro-CHOICE. I am also a big supporter of the other Thing that Freaks Fear - contraception. Been on it my entire adult life. Oh no! AND I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC! Blasphemous!

Meh. If I believed in Hell, I guess I'd be worried.

I seriously don't know how to end this. I went off on some random tangent. I really need to lay off the energy drinks.

Never go to bed angry

I am empty of vitriol, though the anger still simmers under the surface. I keep running scenarios through my head. Me mouthing off to the wrong person, my retirement decision made for me right there along with losing a rank, two months pay and getting 30 days restriction. Not a good way to go out, I assure you. And I'm not really that big on getting in trouble. It's better that these thoughts stay inside my brain where I can reign them in with one quick stab of a q-tip.

I'm not sure where this sudden anger comes from. Maybe I'm fed up with the helpless feeling. I have never really thought of myself as a woman in the Navy whilst amongst others of my own kind. I've always just been Another Sailor. Sure, when civilians are around, it's different. I'm always asked how I feel, what's it like being one, et al. But I have prided myself for never taking the "female route". Nothing has been too heavy for me that wasn't heavy for a man. I've never not thought I could accomplish something because of my gender. I've never taken advantage of anything nor anyone because I have a vagina. So if I don't feel this way, and I don't act this way, why is it getting thrown in my face by the very people that are supposed to squash this sort of behavior? It's unimaginable. And let me also say that I've never been out to prove that as a woman, I can do the same job as good, if not better, as a man. I just do my damn job.

There is an inspection by the Inspector General starting next week. I will not be talking to them unless they ask me a question. Why, after everything I've said? Because it's hearsay, and even though I think it's wrong, I cannot, by my own personal Code of Conduct, make hearsay into fact. I have listened to my fellow females talk about this, but because I was not directly involved, I will say nothing. I do not have enough ducks to put onto the Ark, much less into a row. I cannot simply jump on the bandwagon. Yes, the treatment angers me. Yes, I feel that it's immoral and detrimental to good order and discipline. But I cannot join hands with those wronged directly and be expected to be taken seriously by repeating the stories I have heard from them. They are just not my stories to tell.

Being a woman is a pain in the ass

I'm not just talking about Aunt Flo either.

See, the thing is, I've had way too much time to think. No, I didn't have sex last night, and that's not necessarily the problem. I haven't heard from The Guy since Monday night. I'm not upset about it or anything, but with all the free time I have had, I'm beginning to convince myself that it won't be happening again. Do I have proof that this lack of sex will be in my immediate future? Of course not. But I've thought about it. And therein lies the problem. I tend to over think too much and I'm going to assume it's because I'm a woman. Before the femmies start calling out for my death, let me explain.

Men are very simple creatures. They are visually stimulated, whereas we are emotional. In. Every. Respect. Give men boobies, beer, sports, and sometimes a video game, and they will be happy. Some prefer scotch, and booty, but even though you plug a different noun that is proportional to the original, the equation pretty much stays the same. You ask a man what he is thinking, and if he says "nothing" you know he;s telling the truth. Oh, but not us. We have several degrees of the word nothing. It could be anything from "it is a girl thing, you would never understand" to a "if you don't know what you did, I am not going to explain it to you" and everything in between. We like to think he are easy to please and aren't emotional like the stereotypical women we see in entertainment, but really were aren't. And try as I might to be that cool girl that guys like to hang with, it usually works out, but there are those times when I get stuck and analyze things way too much and presume the worst. And when that happens, we let a little crazy slip out for all to see.

I try not to let that happen, but sometimes I can't help it. Take my situation for example. I'm not in a "relationship". I've know the guy for a few months, and we seem to have sex once a week, two weeks running. Realistically, nothing is set in stone with us. Realistically, I know that there probably isn't a chance it is ever going to move past this stage. Realistically, I'm not obsessing why I haven't heard from him because that is how it has been from the very beginning. Yet, I cannot help but wonder what it is that I have done, if he's with someone else, is he ever going to call me again, blah blah blah, and the list goes on and on until I start to sound like a baby teradactyl even to myself. All of this because I allow myself to think too much about something.

But what will probably happen is that he know I have to work tomorrow and he'll text me to say what's up. And I won't ask him if we are cool, because I already know he'll say of course. And I won't ask him if anything is wrong because I know he'll say no. And we will probably get together the day after tomorrow like last time. But then I will wonder if the last time was the last time. Because I will always wonder; I'm a woman and that's what I do.

See? Being a woman is a pain in the ass. *sigh*