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I'm feeling:
Let me tell you, I feel so much better!
I've decided that I'm leaving the island on the 1st of June. A week of leave to see the parental units an get my car and I should be all set. I'm not nlooking forward the the home search though. I know nothing about Norfolk. Oh well. We'll see how it goes. Time for bed for me, because I am simply exhausted!
Nighty night!
Now Playing: Amy Winehouse - Rehab
Let me start out by saying that none of my Livejournal Friends know that I started the blog again, including him. I tried to Google the blog title today, and the only things that came up was Deana Carter and my old blog. The address is different, so he can't find me. Plus, I've been checking my stats and he hasn't been looking. I haven't written anything in the LJ since Monday, so if any of this crap sounds diary-ish, suck me! I have nowhere else to spout this shit. Plus, look on the bright side, I'm posting somewhat regularly now, right?
Anyway. I got this long, gut-spilling email from him yesterday and I haven't responded to it. I'm not sure what to say. I do want to respond, but not emotionally. I don't want to be a robot either. I still love him, but I love him enough to let him go. I've already told him that, but like my good friend Scott has said, this email has changed all the rules.
EDIT: I think he might have found me. But I'm not sure. Crap.
I did it. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
After several bungling attempts to keep the lines of communication open between us, I decided that I had enough. I can't do it, and I know he can't. So I let him off the hook. I told him that even though I love him, I can't be the strong one and keep trying, hoping, and fighting. I wished him the best and expressed my hope that one day we would be able to talk like we used to, before feelings got involved.
Now if only my heart would follow my brain's example, I'd be set.
I found out by putting a stat counter on the damn thing.
It makes it a bit difficult to post things truthfully. Yeah, I know, I shouldn't care, but he sent me an email after posting that I had a date tomorrow, then canceling it. You could hear the relief, but why should it matter to him? Anyway, I did cancel the date for Saturday, because I moved it to tonight. Shhh. Don't tell him. I pretty much told him that if he is going to continue to read it (I refuse to censor my thoughts, or make them private - not my fault) then he was going to have to deal with what I post. Hear my Womanly Power of Authority! Yeah fuck that. I know that I am moving too fast so soon afterward, but c'mon ladies! Haven't you ever done something rash after getting your heart broken? I look at it as being proactive. I'm doing what I can to get over it. Meaningless sex is only meaningless if there is no reason to do it.
I'll let you think on that one for a bit.
Well, I know I made some sort of pseudo-promise to update more often, but I'm slacking for sure. You guys can punish me later. Life has taken a couple of twists and turns that have been right out of left field, and believe you me, they're not very appreciated.
I'm single once again, and no, I'm not going into the details. I understand that I never did divulge any of the details when I wasn't, so it shouldn't be much of a jump to read that I was single, then I wasn't, now I am again. I've gone into the details quite enough in real life, I really don't want to go into them here. I know, not fair. Well, life isn't very fair, now is it? Just know that I haven't turned into a man-hating bitch (yet) but there were certain circumstances that prevented the relationship from moving forward. And I'm doing what I've always done - I've moved on. No hard feelings.
I'm thinking of changing up the look of the blog yet again. Big surprise there. I have no idea to what though. I thought about more of a Spring motif, but we've kind of skipped the Spring season and the island is jumping directly to summer. The high today is supposed to be 90 degrees, and at 9am it's already 81. Summer is going to be a bitch.
Maybe now I can return to the comedic approach to the blog that I had from the beginning. Who knows, there may be a new Legend in my future. Because I'm sure as hell not going to sit home and cry about shit. I'll sit home and veg, but there will be no tears. I haven't shed them yet, and I sure as Hell don't plan on starting now.
It really is. I know how it's going to be eventually, but I'm on pins and needles for how long it will be. I'm very anxious to hear something, anything. What a fucking pain.
One of my coworkers talked to the detailer who is here all week on a visit. He mentioned my current professional/personal "predicament" to him. Basically I was told to come see him, it wouldn't hurt. Yeah, like he can do anything with everything up in the air as it is. Whatever. I did put in a request to extend my EAOS (My due-date for civilian life) to my PRD (When I get the fuck up out of here) so that they match. By doing this, it will be much easier to reenlist for the remaining four years instead of reenlisting and the possibility of them telling me to fuck off to extend to 20 years. I say that because I think they would do anything in there power to fuck over someone's retirement, i.e. get out of paying them for all the years of service they've given to this canoe club.
Yeah, at the moment I'm a wee bit bitter. Why? No, it's not the result of someone pissing in my Wheaties's. On a personal level, the Navy is just getting in the way. I'm just tired. I'm not going to slack off and become a dirtbag or anything. It just might be that I've had enough. Meh.
I know, it's retarded, but my journaling has been somewhat on the "Dear Diary" side. Which is why I have no issues updating my LiveJournal, which is more emo-like angst ridden than this place. Plus I'm feeling a little overwhelmed reading other blogs and how smart and shit everyone else sounds. The only time I seem to be clever lately is at work. And if I told you about that, I'd have to kill you. So instead of writing anything of consequence, I've done a few memes, and some "safe" topics that I hope wouldn't make people's eyes roll into the backs of their heads. But I have decided to give the Cliff's Notes version, because I know there are a few people out there that actually give a shit about me personally. Right? Onward.
A year ago, I met a guy while I was in Chicago. He was hands off, so be became good friends instead. He was having major problems with his relationship and had been for years. I kept my feelings inside, and I think I mentioned him a couple of times in DISMLFT? Ver 1.0. Fast forward a few months and me coming out here. We still emailed back and forth, and I gave him friendly, objective advice about his ever-deteriorating relationship. Fast forward until January. Even though I was being objective, my feelings grew for him. I know, bad ju-ju. But I'm cool. I sure as hell haven't pined for him during any of this time. Then he drops the bomb. He has feelings for me too, though I still kept mine to myself. For a little while. Then came the rollercoaster. He's splitting up, he wants to work it out because of some other issue. He's splitting up, blah blah blah. Mind you, all this time, I never once asked him to choose. All I did was try to push him to do something - either work it out, or get out of the situation. Not once did I say, "PICK ME!" After talking with a male friend of his, he has now made the decision that he needs out. But I'm not jumping on that horse quite yet. I'm trying not to get all crazy-like about it until I know it's official. As you can imagine, writing about everything as it happened on this here blog would have been fodder for a country song. Feel lucky you have the short version. He, on the other hand, is already making pseudo-plans. I guess I'm trying to be the more levelheaded of the two and waiting. I'm not up for orders until August, and I won't leave here until Next June. If everything works out, well, you'll hear about it, I'm sure. But one thing I want to make clear for any of those people that want to suggest that I came in between two people - I never touched him. We have never been physical. We may have a strong bond and a strong relationship ourselves right now, but has taken almost a year to forge, and it started long after I arrived here. Thousands of miles away. And, in my closing statement, you can never choose who you love, it chooses you.
So there you have it. Now maybe you'll understand the rather ambiguous posts from February. They are all about Him and what was going on.
Well, looks like it's time to start picking them up. Thankfully, they're not all that tiny and I bounce back pretty easily.
Let's just hope that I don't do something really stupid. I'm known to go through a destructive phase whenever this happens.
But I refuse to cry.
I've decided to become celibate again. I tried the game again and I don't want to play it anymore. I guess I just had to be sure. Maybe it was a moment of madness. Or maybe it was just hormones. All I know is I've been avoiding that one guy for the past three weeks. And I have to admit two things. One, just sex is not something that I want anymore. And secondly, I'm holding out for more. The next time might not be with The One, whomever that is, but it sure as hell won't be just based on strictly lust. I'm sure my vagina can handle it, but sex gets boring after a while if your heart's not involved.
The counter starts as of today.
I have the biggest headache ever. It's running through the back of my head to the middle of my shoulder blades. And it sucks. The meds haven't kicked in yet. I really wish they would.
I've been thinking the last few days about my "relationship" with The Guy. I'm not happy with the way things are. It's basically a Booty Call/Fuck Buddy thing. No, I don't want more than that from him, mostly because I know I won't get it, but most of all I don't want it from him. I realized this past week or so that I'm pretty much stuck in the same rut I was when I decided to become celibate. I want more than this. I want it all. And I think I deserve it. I don't want to get a sudden phone call late at night. I don't want to not talk to The Person except during these calls. I don't want just sex. Not that I'm planning my wedding or anything, but I realized that I want forever. It took me a while to get here, to that forever point.
Now I just have to end it with The Guy.
I got home in time to take a shower, get dressed in different clothes, check email, and write this. I didn't spend the night alone, nor was I home. Hmmm...time to go to work.
By the way, Cinderella Man wasn't that bad of a movie either.
Remember that last bit when I talked about that The Guy would text me today and all would be well? I was so right. All is...well. I guess anyway. We didn't talk much, but I did ask him what happened that night, and he told me he was pulling a "loner". Yup, his words. But the lightbulb finally clicked on in my head and I realized that even 40-year-old men act like ignorant immature fools when it comes to sex, and non-relationships.
I'm not just talking about Aunt Flo either.
See, the thing is, I've had way too much time to think. No, I didn't have sex last night, and that's not necessarily the problem. I haven't heard from The Guy since Monday night. I'm not upset about it or anything, but with all the free time I have had, I'm beginning to convince myself that it won't be happening again. Do I have proof that this lack of sex will be in my immediate future? Of course not. But I've thought about it. And therein lies the problem. I tend to over think too much and I'm going to assume it's because I'm a woman. Before the femmies start calling out for my death, let me explain.
Men are very simple creatures. They are visually stimulated, whereas we are emotional. In. Every. Respect. Give men boobies, beer, sports, and sometimes a video game, and they will be happy. Some prefer scotch, and booty, but even though you plug a different noun that is proportional to the original, the equation pretty much stays the same. You ask a man what he is thinking, and if he says "nothing" you know he;s telling the truth. Oh, but not us. We have several degrees of the word nothing. It could be anything from "it is a girl thing, you would never understand" to a "if you don't know what you did, I am not going to explain it to you" and everything in between. We like to think he are easy to please and aren't emotional like the stereotypical women we see in entertainment, but really were aren't. And try as I might to be that cool girl that guys like to hang with, it usually works out, but there are those times when I get stuck and analyze things way too much and presume the worst. And when that happens, we let a little crazy slip out for all to see.
I try not to let that happen, but sometimes I can't help it. Take my situation for example. I'm not in a "relationship". I've know the guy for a few months, and we seem to have sex once a week, two weeks running. Realistically, nothing is set in stone with us. Realistically, I know that there probably isn't a chance it is ever going to move past this stage. Realistically, I'm not obsessing why I haven't heard from him because that is how it has been from the very beginning. Yet, I cannot help but wonder what it is that I have done, if he's with someone else, is he ever going to call me again, blah blah blah, and the list goes on and on until I start to sound like a baby teradactyl even to myself. All of this because I allow myself to think too much about something.
But what will probably happen is that he know I have to work tomorrow and he'll text me to say what's up. And I won't ask him if we are cool, because I already know he'll say of course. And I won't ask him if anything is wrong because I know he'll say no. And we will probably get together the day after tomorrow like last time. But then I will wonder if the last time was the last time. Because I will always wonder; I'm a woman and that's what I do.
See? Being a woman is a pain in the ass. *sigh*
